Good Friday - The break

Well have been thinking of writing since past few days now but didnt have anything to write..Not that life is still, it is moving, that too at a decent pace but guess i cant write abt an incident or describe a situation...probably coz i m not using this as a diary, but as a 'let out' for feelings..May be if i get to talk abt these things to someone, i would not bother scribbling..Also, m a baaaad story- teller, hence not comfortable describing scenes etc.

Let me give it a try today..linking it up with the feelings part..

Over the weekend, i realized that m good at pretension (is it same as hypocrisy?) . Was at mausiji's place and was surrounded with 4 kids (nephews n a niece) for 3 days !! no doubt i enjoyed it the 1st day. i enjoyed playing bat-ball with them and showing them my mobile's camera. 2nd day it was still bearable, with chocolates etc taking care of half my work as a responsible 'buaji' who was able to do the toughest job of making kids eat their lunch and dinner.. tried getting some peace with a few pages of 'maximum city' in a corner when i was asked by mausaji if i was getting bored. No i was not, how could I be with so many 'cute' kids around. Ok here is the homework time. In the evening, m taken to one of the neighbours who thot I was one of the best girls in the whole world. And the reason for such a behaviour was (or so i guess) coz I was wearing a salwar suit, wasnt wearing any make up or jewellery and was quiet most of the time excpt few namastes and 'haanji autie'. Actually this 'innocence' after such advanced studies I underwent calls for admiration. Doesnt it...but if only all that was true! If only i wore salwaar suit and was so polite and soft-spoken all the time (Felt terribly bad).. anyway , i plan to leave the next morning but m stopped. how cud i leave when it was a holiday. The kids want to play with buaji, and i wud not say no..how sweet of me !! By noon I have had enough of being goody goody. But i cannot be rude, not in my nature u see:P So i adopt a neutral way , the avoidance technique...I do not part away with my mobile and the youngest one sleeps without a lunch:( I would not watch a cartoon with them but would switch on TV in another room and watch some saif ali-urmila movie. And i realize i have to leave before dinner to be in working condition at office next day. I take a leave. A good trip, everyone impressed, my work done :)

Now the important part is the feeling bad part..M not so good , i can prove that! The auntie would not want to have me as her bahu/beti in case she knows the reality...mausaji would be dead against my MBA decision (he is not in favor anyway)...now the problem is y do i pretend, trying to be someone m not. Following are the 2 possible answers (in that order of possibility):

- I want them to admire me as one who still knows how to deal with 4 kids, specially after having advance education
- I want them to believe that my decisions of higher eduction is not wrong and i can still be 'good'

Doesnt it feel like another example of double standards....why cant you be what you are? why do u have to please everyone and mould yourself according to the other person? probably coz of society ? u have to have social acceptance to lead a peaceful life and social acceptance can come only by pretension? M not that bad...just following the rules of life:)