Here I am....waiting for a new life again :)

Long time since I blogged last. Probably coz I dont need such a 'let out' anymore or coz havent 'felt' too strongly about any stuff lately. Guess 1st reason is more justified, the 2nd is no where near the truth.
Have been too happy lately. Here I am doing what I wanted to do all these years- an MBA - and have reached my short term goal (could not find a better, informal phrase for this :( ) of being an i-banker in such a short time. Though not one yet, ppl here make me realize that I am. Would not deny that I love the feeling. Feels as if I ve not been this happy since ages. As i write this, I know am scared too. I know that I need to pray. Hope the decision of making my professional life doesn't screw my future personal life. I know I can never be a 'typical career woman' or a 'typical gharwali' in my life.

Since I havent written after comeing to XL, a little update on my life here. Life has been good. Havent made many close friends, but havent made any enemy for sure:) Finally getting to study finance n stuff (ya ya, I was a ghissu once upon a time). Have started ignoring acads a little after getting a decent internship offer. Trying to do more of other stuff that would help me feel good..which reminds me of last sunday. It was one of those awesome days when you feel that you ve done something worthwhile. Had gone to teach computer to these village kids and grownups. Wow, the smile and satisfaction they have on their face when they make a beautiful flower in 'paint' or write about their kids/husbands in 'notepad'- believe me its enough to make your day. You do not remember the quiz and the assignments to be submitted the next day. You just dont want to leave. Wondering whether I would ever have the courage to spend a large part of my life doing this...

On personal front, life is the same. Nothing has changed in these 5 months. Dont know if it ever will..The scepticism that has overtaken me since last year is bugging and painful. It isnt letting me move ahead.

Neway, will stick to the XL life description. Enjoying MaxiFair work these days, or rather these nights. Its 5 am right now and am so used to being up @ this hour, so used to bunking classes since SIP days:) Why do they have to keep marketing as a course, what cant it just be maxifair ;) Participating in various arbit competitions of various B-schools...doing real time pass...doing so much but feels that I still dont have time to do what I would love to..Given a chance, I would want to watch all the movies and sitcoms on the server, read all the books and stuff I can lay my hands on (excluding text books, including business world and newspaper), learn everything about MS excel(crazy i know :P) and fight for my lost infatuation..basketball. Life is awesome, and I am waiting for it to become awesomest, if something like that exists that is !

Everything that happens, happens for good

Before I get down to the philosophies, some news first. Joining XLRI finally, didnt have much choice...IIMB failed me and could not convince myself for joining I or K...now that gets me thinking again, what wrong wud it do to me had i gotton through IIMB..

I could very well convince myself as to why it was good that I didnt go to IIMB/XL in last two years (now only, after crying over it for 2 yrs.) but cant figure out a plus for losin IIMB this year. Maybe I would, two yrs down the line.

Have had this talk with almost everyone with whom I can talk this and who believes in it, coz I am usually against it and that is what is required for a good discussion..two parties in opposition. But every time we were able to conclude the discussion that too to the same point "its all in the mind" and that is what i mean when i oppose the stmt. It is not true that everything that happened in my life happened for good, I could have been better without it, but then I would like to believe the philosophy coz thats my only savior, my only hope which helps me get going.

Lets say X and Y are the two possibilities that could come my way (Loved this example, thanx to Ananya :) ). X happens to me. I dnt know what Y had in store , could have been better, could have been worse. If I think that Y was better and I keep brooding over it, I would not be able to perform. Ok u may say that it can give u a push , but if u keep thinking the same way abt all Ys, take this in writing that you are gonna spoil your life. Therefore X was the best possible thing for you. If you have not been able to see this till date, you will, some day.

Thats the reason I say I oppose the stmt, its not a fact and hence cannot be stated as a fact . Everyone uses it sometime or the other to feel good, feel positive and move ahead. There is nothing wrong with it. You might choose to challenge it at times, but as already said, dnt dare to do it all the time. And as Saumya would say, wait till you get to know the reason.. everything will fall in place.. am waiting for my reason, why XL and why not IIMB ?:(

Good Friday - The break

Well have been thinking of writing since past few days now but didnt have anything to write..Not that life is still, it is moving, that too at a decent pace but guess i cant write abt an incident or describe a situation...probably coz i m not using this as a diary, but as a 'let out' for feelings..May be if i get to talk abt these things to someone, i would not bother scribbling..Also, m a baaaad story- teller, hence not comfortable describing scenes etc.

Let me give it a try today..linking it up with the feelings part..

Over the weekend, i realized that m good at pretension (is it same as hypocrisy?) . Was at mausiji's place and was surrounded with 4 kids (nephews n a niece) for 3 days !! no doubt i enjoyed it the 1st day. i enjoyed playing bat-ball with them and showing them my mobile's camera. 2nd day it was still bearable, with chocolates etc taking care of half my work as a responsible 'buaji' who was able to do the toughest job of making kids eat their lunch and dinner.. tried getting some peace with a few pages of 'maximum city' in a corner when i was asked by mausaji if i was getting bored. No i was not, how could I be with so many 'cute' kids around. Ok here is the homework time. In the evening, m taken to one of the neighbours who thot I was one of the best girls in the whole world. And the reason for such a behaviour was (or so i guess) coz I was wearing a salwar suit, wasnt wearing any make up or jewellery and was quiet most of the time excpt few namastes and 'haanji autie'. Actually this 'innocence' after such advanced studies I underwent calls for admiration. Doesnt it...but if only all that was true! If only i wore salwaar suit and was so polite and soft-spoken all the time (Felt terribly bad).. anyway , i plan to leave the next morning but m stopped. how cud i leave when it was a holiday. The kids want to play with buaji, and i wud not say no..how sweet of me !! By noon I have had enough of being goody goody. But i cannot be rude, not in my nature u see:P So i adopt a neutral way , the avoidance technique...I do not part away with my mobile and the youngest one sleeps without a lunch:( I would not watch a cartoon with them but would switch on TV in another room and watch some saif ali-urmila movie. And i realize i have to leave before dinner to be in working condition at office next day. I take a leave. A good trip, everyone impressed, my work done :)

Now the important part is the feeling bad part..M not so good , i can prove that! The auntie would not want to have me as her bahu/beti in case she knows the reality...mausaji would be dead against my MBA decision (he is not in favor anyway)...now the problem is y do i pretend, trying to be someone m not. Following are the 2 possible answers (in that order of possibility):

- I want them to admire me as one who still knows how to deal with 4 kids, specially after having advance education
- I want them to believe that my decisions of higher eduction is not wrong and i can still be 'good'

Doesnt it feel like another example of double standards....why cant you be what you are? why do u have to please everyone and mould yourself according to the other person? probably coz of society ? u have to have social acceptance to lead a peaceful life and social acceptance can come only by pretension? M not that bad...just following the rules of life:)

Conditional Love !

Here goes another bit of my interview experiences. Not an experience as such, as I was not involved myself instead overheard someone else. A girl named 'Neha' had all her interview around her name, which actually means love and one of the questions was :Is love always unconditional.

Now, I loved that question coz have done some thinking on it lately...shouldnt the question be : Is love always conditional ? Tell me one person who has loved without putting forward any condition. Ya, the difference might lie in the selfishness of the condition. It could be as vague as "I just want to be with you" and be with you coz you "make me happy". A condition ! Or it could be as defined as "I love you because you are sweet/charming/beautiful/intelligent/stupid" or coz you can "dance/sing/talk sense". A conditional approach to love again !

Now that reminds me of Ayn Rand's logic I read in one of her book. I do not remember the exact line but the sense was "Every act is a selfish act". Fits in well here. Why would you love me if I cannot make you happy or satisfy all the "conditions". So hope you agree by now, there is nothing called unconditional love. But then the point is , are you clear abt what are those conditions you are looking for in your soulmate and are you able to let the saamne wala person know what those are. Well you have to (be clear and be expressive) or its not gonna work out as smooth. And ya, what could you do if the conditions you laid down start changing when everything is just perfect. Well, I have no clue , let me know if you know how to tackle the situation.

Values: Neone has one ?

Long time since i blogged last...all this MBA interview crap kept me tied up but turned out that twas a good exercise ..especially the SPjain interview which made me do some extra thinking.

So here is the story: The question was: What do you value the most. (SP Jain actually gives you many such questions you would never think about otherwise) I really could not find anything and I tried to answer it the opposite way, tried to answer - What do I detest the most and the answer was : Hypocrisy. There have been quite a few incidences when I hated the people for trying to prove what they knew was not correct. One was at office when a junior tried convincing me that hes been trying hard to learn everything , when everybody knew he never put any effort. The second and the latest was in personal life and I never had the slightest idea , ppl so close to you could do something so stupid like this.

Neway, so I went on to write the answer to the original question.- What do I value the most . Its strength of convictions. Sounds like an appealing answer , at least to an interviewer. But then is that really true. If I value my convictions the most, why do I smile while talking to my boss when I actually want to yell at him. Why am I good with all the ppl I bitch about (my gang of girls might be able to throw more light on this ;)) Does that really mean I am valueless. I would not like to believe it...Theres got to be something I truly value...Please help me find a justification for the above actions of mine coz I do not want to die valueless..